Dear D,

This is probably one of the most difficult emails I have ever had to write, but it must be done.

After much thought, Mike and I decided this weekend we are going stop our adoption process. At this point we feel that we have been through enough emotionally and I don't think we can put up with it anymore. We both feel we have been lied to and mislead on a number of occasions, and frankly we cannot stand to be lied to anymore. The lies lead to excitement which turns into painful disappointment when what we are told turns out to be untrue. Our marriage has been affected by all of this and it is time we step back and re-focus on ourselves. Maybe someday in the future we can re-consider adoption, but at this point, we must move forward with alternate plans.
We feel as if we have been fighting a losing battle for nearly 2 years now, and honestly we cannot fight it anymore. It has worn us down and we have no fight left. While the decision saddens us it also gives us a sense of relief and excitement. We feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and is allowing us to clearly focus on the future and what may be - no more putting things on hold due to possibly traveling "soon". So it is with a combined sense of sadness and excitement for the future, I inform you….we are done.

Regards,

Our Decision

We gave up our referral on Friday.

We decided to give up on the adoption on Sunday.

Have not sent the email to the agency yet - not an email that is easy to send. I feel like I am giving up on a dream, but it is obvious that the dream is not meant to be. But then I think I am really not giving up on a dream. My dream is to be a mom. Adoption was just my choice on how to become a mom. We still have options. Unlike many couples we started with adoption as our first choice for starting a famiy. Having a child naturally was something we would consider later. Well "later" is now. Our focus has shifted to having a bio child. Maybe that is what is meant to be.

In all honesty I feel pretty good about our decision. Either the reality has not hit me or our focus on a bio child added a sense of excitement back into our lives. I am betting on the second though. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and we can start enjoying life again. For the past 2 years our lives have been on hold until "after the adoption". Now that that is done we can refocus on eachother and our little one to be (hopefuly!!)

Good bye for now.

More lies...no more hurt...just ANGER

Out of fear of things going bad on us, I did not post that we received an email from D last week saying the D2 had everything he needed for our LOI but was waiting for our travel dates before releasing them. (or something along those lines. I do not have the email here, but will post it once I find it) In all honesty I was not that excited - perhaps I have gotten excited one too many times and the pain of being let down time after time had finally caught up to me. In fact when a friend asked if I was excited, I said no...not even a little bit.

For the past few weeks I have been pretty unemotional about the adoption - in fact I didn't thing I had any emotion left regarding the adoption. But the email last week had given me a glimmer of hope that maybe today we would get our travel dates.

Well today I received and email from D with the subject "Kazakhstan". My heart started to pound in my chest...really hard... and I just stared at it for a moment before opening it...could this be it? Part of me hoped it was and part of me hoped it wasn't (for reasons which will not be discussed here). So I clicked, and this is what I read (with my thoughts interjected in blue):

"Hi,

I know you are all ready to hear what Kazakhstan is doing now. I realize there has been a list circulating on the internet of the new requirements. Just remember that I can't do anything about new laws and requirements except tell you about them. (this is not going to be good...but keep reading)

[D2] is back and called the Embassy today. The Embassy says that the list going around came from the New York Kazakhstan Consulate and that they the Washington DC Kazakhstan Embassy have not finalized a list or requirements or issued forms for the new requirements yet. These forms will be issued next week. [D2] said you just have to realize this is a third world country and they do not always work together. (she always needs to throw in "D2 says...as if that is going to make what is being said any more credible - in reality I am somewhat surprised this woman can function as a human being with our D2 telling her what to say or do) Anyway for those of you who have your dossier completed they will go through the dossier and tell you what you need to do.

All of you who have had your dossiers in Kazakhstan have all had your dossiers returned to the Embassy in DC. (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????? Last week we were told our visa invites were ready - how can that be if our dossier was sent back to DC?????)

We do know that you need to have fingerprint cards that are sent to the FBI as one of the new requirements (yeah, this has been floating around for at least a month and now you are saying you know - like you are telling us something we don't already know). I will put instructions on how to do this at the end of this letter. And we know that there is a new medical report form so you could go ahead and make medical appointments for the week after next and you will have the new form by then (great another $50 in co-pays, in addition to the $50 in co-pays for when we have to go back for our physical and blood work for our visa).

Please get back with me if you have questions (like she even needed to say that). We would really like to get these dossier back to Kazakhstan as soon as possible (gee thanks). It will be possible for some of you to travel together and they are going to try their best to not have this slow you down much. (yeah right)."



My initial reaction, was amazingly not hurt nor disappointment...it was pure anger. They had straight up lied to me again last week. When I told Mike about the email in which we were told our LOIs were ready he just repied saying he did not believe them and they were "bullshitting assholes". I actually defended them - how stupid do I feel now? He is 100% right.

So what does all this mean for us...it means alot. Our finger prints for INS will expire January 1, 2006 meaning not only will we need FBI fingerprints, we will have to have fingerprints done for "homeland security" as well. Yes more money....plus processing time to get the new INS clearance. More importantly, this delay seals the deal on the fact that we will not have a child in 2005. This delay could potentially cost us another $300 and we are figuring 2-3 months time.

Becuase of something else going on in our lives (again, not to be discussed here) we had decided a couple of months ago that if we were not in Kaz by October 31 (or at least preparing to go) we would pull the plug on the adoption. Well...we won't be in Kaz by October 31.

That is all for now. I am beyond pissed right now. I don't really feel disappointed, I mean how much more disappointed could I actually get? I feel I am at rock bottom of the disappointment pit...I cannot go any further! All I feel is ANGER. Maybe that is telling me something. Maybe I need to be focusing on other things and just let go...after all I am not disappointed by what is stated in the email - I am just angry because I was flat out lied to.

This is probably one of my last posts in this blog. I think our "Journey to Adopt" is coming to an end.

We're leaving on a jet plane....

We are off to Mayberry in a about half an hour!! YIPPEEE!!!! Gotta make a stop to drop Chance off at the kennel then we are off to Philadephia to catch our flight!!

Looks like a great weekend in the making. We are headed to the Nascar Cafe for dinner and BSing with a big group of our friends. It looking like there will be about 15 of us tonight! A good time will DEFINATELY be had by all - cannot wait!!

Then sometime in the next few days we will be headed to the NC Statefair. We went last year also and had a blast. We had county ham on a biscuit for the first time and OH MY GOD was it GOOD!!! I've been craving it for a year now!!!! Can't wait to have another one!

We'll also be introducing our friends to a classic NJ breakfast! They have never had "pork roll on a roll" before. In NJ that woud be considered a sin!! Although I grew up in NJ I never had one until I met Mike...but now that I have had it, I love it.

Well...I gotta get finished with the packing and light a fire under Mikes butt to get going!! Bye for now!

Rain Rain Go AWAY!!!

I think it has been raining now for a week straight....literally!!! Of course during a time like this umbrellas always come in handy, but do you think I can find one? Nope. Now I know we have at least three somewhere, but I was only able to locate one. Good, right? Nope. The one I found has a hole in it. Still better than nothing.

But let it rain all it wants. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous in N. Carolina this weekend...which is exactly where we will be. We are headed to "Mayberry" (as our soon to be hosts lovingly refer to it) - aka Raleigh. We will be staying with our good friends Don and Shirley and will be able to see some of our "BS Gang" while we are there. I cannot wait for the get away!!

This week work has been nothing but stress, and I cannot wait for it to be over. I will be off Monday and Tuesday (we come home on Tuesday) so the time away will be very nice.

No news on the adoption. I sent an email to D earlier this evening. Hopefully we will hear something soon. I am starting to think this may not happen until 2006.

Weekend update

We had a nice quiet weekend, which after my week last week was very nice. Stress at work had me exhausted and in bed by 8 PM everynight last week. Unfortnately I think the trend is going to continue this week too. But that is good, it keeps my mind focused on work, which right now is a REALLY good thing. Besides, if my group can pull off this project by the next Friday it will be a really BIG feather in our caps...my team is great and I have the utmost confidence we will get it done. Basically the powers that be in France decided to move a deadline up by 3 weeks and failed to tell us! We have been scrambling to get things ready on our end (which by the way is what prompted the last minute trip to Chicago last week) and I am confident we will be ready on Friday - the deadline!

It was a rainy, yucky weekend but we made the best of it. Saturday we went for corned beef at a local deli / restaurant. It's not quite Katz quality, but its the best thing around; Katz by the way has the BEST corned beef anywhere!!!! After that we went back home and just vegged out. Sunday, i got up, did the dishes and went grocery shopping - before 9 AM!! I vegged out all day watching football followed by my normal Sunday night TV shows...Extreme Homemakeover, Desperate Housewives and Grays Anatomy.

The rain seems to not want to go away! Its still raining...not really raining but that misty stuff that is just enough to be annoying, yet not enough to be rain in the true sense. The kind of rain where there is no perfect winshield wiper setting - even using the intermittent settings!

Yucky day

It's just plain nasty out today. Looks like a perfect day to designate as "lazy day". I plan on planting my behind on the couch and working on my felt advent calendar. I don't know if I will end up keeping it or if I will give it to someone as a gift. I am really not looking forward to the holidays again this year, so there is no sense in counting down to Christmas. I have put a lot of work into it and really like it. If I end up keeping it it will just go to waste. I'd rather give it to a family that could get some joy from it.

Mike has a business appointment this afternoon, but I think that is all that is on his agenda. Not really a good day to be working on his car, so I have a feeling he will follow suit and have a lazy day with me. That will be nice. I have not seen him in a couple of days. I flew to Chicago Thursday morning, from work, and flew back in Friday morning and went straight back to the office. He was out on a business appointment when I got home last night, and I was in bed by the time he got home. SO as of this morning, I still haven't seen him...at least in an awakened state!!

Gotta go pay some bills now....yuck....