So much for hope
Well the day has come and gone. I really had expected to have our LOI by today. But yet again, I set myself up for another disappoinment. I am really starting to believe that I am never going to be a mother. I am slowly becoming the nasty old neighbor that hates the site of kids and wants nothing to do with them. It has nothing to do with the kids actually. Its just the site and thought of them makes me hurt so bad - I just want the kids to go away. I never thought I had it in my heart to say that, but its true. I just cannot enjoy other peoples kids anymore. I know its not their fault, but the pain is so bad, I just cannot deal with it anymore. My daily goal it seems is to avoid kids - tough when your office is right next to the daycare center. I go in the building the long way just to avoid walking past the playground....sad, huh?
In all honesty I am not even looking forward to this adoption anymore. Honestly if we got the letter today, I cannot say with 100% certainty we'd follow through with this. It's just become such a nightmare, and I am not sure it is worth it. I am not even excited about our referral anymore. I am really close to letting the agency know to make him available to another family. The joy is just gone.
Maybe not having kids is what is meant to be. Am I willing to accept that? Hell no. Does that matter? Absolutely not. What I want or believe or am willing to accept has no affect on what will actually happen. I am not at all happy to not be a mother yet, and am DREADING the upcoming holidays. In fact I am planning on quiet holidays at home - just Mike and me. I just cannot be around kids this holiday season. I know it sounds self-centered, but I don't care. I cannot be concerned with hurting others else's feelings...I have to be concerned with mine. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard enough - I just cannot go through it again. The only thing that got me through last year was the thought of our little guy being home by next Christmas. Now that is not going to happen either. Another Christmas without the joy of our litte one to share it with. So unless some miraculous event happens, the holidays are just going to SUCK.
I really hate this. All I want is a child. Its just not fair.
In all honesty I am not even looking forward to this adoption anymore. Honestly if we got the letter today, I cannot say with 100% certainty we'd follow through with this. It's just become such a nightmare, and I am not sure it is worth it. I am not even excited about our referral anymore. I am really close to letting the agency know to make him available to another family. The joy is just gone.
Maybe not having kids is what is meant to be. Am I willing to accept that? Hell no. Does that matter? Absolutely not. What I want or believe or am willing to accept has no affect on what will actually happen. I am not at all happy to not be a mother yet, and am DREADING the upcoming holidays. In fact I am planning on quiet holidays at home - just Mike and me. I just cannot be around kids this holiday season. I know it sounds self-centered, but I don't care. I cannot be concerned with hurting others else's feelings...I have to be concerned with mine. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard enough - I just cannot go through it again. The only thing that got me through last year was the thought of our little guy being home by next Christmas. Now that is not going to happen either. Another Christmas without the joy of our litte one to share it with. So unless some miraculous event happens, the holidays are just going to SUCK.
I really hate this. All I want is a child. Its just not fair.
posted by Kim @ 6:34 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Kim,
My wife and I are in the same boat and also waiting for a child from Almaty. Sounds like we are going through the same emotions and similar disappointments. Have hope, it really sounds like the mayor is going to be sending letters soon. Don't dispair and hang in there.
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