What did I do to deserve this pain?

I honestly do not understand why this process has been such a difficult journey. Here we are, ready to open our heart and our home to a child who wants or needs a family, and we cannot make it happen. I just don't get it. I feel as if anytime we make some progress in this little journey something pops up and slaps me in the face and knocks me down. It is only my determination that keeps me going...my desire to be a mom, but honestly that is beginning to dwindle. I am about ready to just give up and call it quits. In the beginning, my drive was fueled by my faith in God - that he was in control and that he would provide to us a child that needed us as much as we needed him. But as time passed and circumstances beyond our control seemed to detour our journey, my faith in God, as a loving, caring, compassionate god, has been shattered into pieces. There is no reason that anyone could give me that could justify a child sitting in a cold, depressing, dirty, and "stinky" orphanage, when he or she could be getting the love and care they need and deserve in the home of 2 people who want nothing more than to be parents. A loving, compassionate God would not allow this.

Then just when I think things are going to turn around, life reminds me just how cruel it can be. I can't go into details, but last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a very long time. Not only does the news hurt so bad I just want to crawl under a rock and die, but now I deal with the guilt of feeling the way I do about it. I want to be happy and celebrate - but I cannot. It's not about me, and I don't want to make it about me, and I certainly do not want to take the joy away from those involved, but the pain is just so bad and I don't know how to make it go away.

Well, the weekend is here, and after last night I really need to get away and just enjoy the weekend. Mike and I need to take some time to think regarding a very important part of this journey. I am just afraid to make the decision because as soon as I do the pendulum is going to swing back down and knock me on my ass again. Inevitably every time something good happens, the slap follows shortly behind. I honestly do not know how many more times I will be able to get back up.

It is not my intention to burden you with my pain, but I have kept a lot of this pain bottled up inside, and now that I have a place to unload it, I am going to. I just need to deal with it I guess. Thanks though for "listening".