Age and Bonding: An Inverse Relationship?

I have been struggling lately with trying to decide the age of the child we are going to adopt (I say "I" because me being me have to over-analyze everything, where as Mike just wants me to make a decision - LOL!!). Initially we sought an infant, then decided an older child around 4 or 5 would be wise. Then the 4 year old we were pursuing continued to get older to the point where he was going to be nearly 5 ½ before we got him home. At the time we decided we were not willing to adopt a child that old and made the heart breaking decision to discontinue our pursuit to bring him home. (there is more to this story to be shared at another time). It was at this time we decided to switch to Kazakhstan.

Over the past few months we have re-visited the age issue. For reasons which I will not air here, we have re-opened our hearts to the possiblity of an “older” child (“older” = under 5). However, as I reopen my thoughts to under 5, why not under 6 or even under 7? I read daily about infant, pre-school and “older child” adoption and have learned a great deal about each of those age groups. The bottom line is that there is potential for bonding issues in each of those age groups.

What I find kind of humorous is that I can pick any age and argue that that age is undoubtedly the best age for a child to be adopted, and can list reason after reason. Until the next day when another age suddenly becomes the undoubtedly best age for adoption. What I have learned is that I can convince myself of just about anything if I try hard enough!!

So really what I am getting at is that no matter what I read or who I talk to somewhere I am going to find pros and cons to ANY age. Will the age of the child really affect his ability or inablity ot bond with us? So many times I hear that the older the child the harder it is for the child to bond. I can refer to infant, toddler, pre-schooler, elementary, and middle school aged success stories, and equally as many horror stories. I mean really, don’t we all know someone who’s friend’s uncle’s mailman’s sister adopted a {{insert age and nationality}} child that just has been {{select one: terrible / great}} ? The conclusion I have come to is that age is only a very small piece of the success story in terms of adjustment and bonding.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us trying to make a decision that will greatly affect the rest of a child’s life of whom we know nothing about, with the exception of perhaps a picture and brief, often inaccurate medial history. How will this child fit into our lives, or more importantly, how will we fit into this child’s life. We will literally be forcing ourselves into this kid’s life! How is that going to go over? How do you decide what is best for someone you do not even know? If this child becomes our son, yet fails to bond with us and lives a life of misery and emptiness, did we do the “best” thing for this child by taking him out of the orphanage? Would the orphanage have been a better place for him?

So really…does age matter? I am really starting to think it may not be as important as I once thought it to be. What I have learned is that this is indeed a step of faith into deep darkness of the unknown. There are so many more factors to a successful adoption than just age, many of which we as parents have control over but also many more over which we have absolutely no control.

But now that I have bored you all to death with my ramblings, does any of what I just rambled about matter? I truly believe in what I have ended earlier postings with…”what is meant to be will be”. I rregardless (or is it regardless) of what Mike or I think is the best age for us to adopt , the child we are meant to have will be the one we end up with…and his (or I guess really, her) age is ultimately NOT going to be up to us!

So as I have closed before…What is meant to be will be…